圣诞节包含着美国矛盾的价值观。作为纪念耶稣诞生的宗教节日，圣诞节对美国人具有重要的精神意义，宣扬着对他人的解救，帮助，慷慨赠与等积极的道德价值。
1、 Into the Church进教堂
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church、 The town hall brought in some cats、 But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back、 The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town、 But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in、 Only the church came up with an effective solution、 They baptized the squirrels and made them members、 Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter、镇里有三座建筑物被松鼠占领了--市政厅、五金店和教堂。市政厅引进了一些猫。但这些“猎手”撕毁了文档，于是它们也就被市长请出了市政厅。而很快，松鼠又回来了。五金店捕捉到松鼠后，施与怜悯将它们在镇外释放了。但三天后，松鼠爬回镇里来了。只有教堂采取了一种有效的解决方案。松鼠得到洗礼成为了教众。现在，人们只会在圣诞节和复活节时才能看到松鼠。
2、 Denomination 面额还是教派？
A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps、 "What denomination?" asks the clerk、 The woman says, "Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform、"一名女士走进邮局，问职员要50张光明节纪念邮票（小编注：光明节：犹太人庆祝光明到来的节日）。职员问。“多少面额的？”女士说：“6张东正教，12张保守党，32张革新派。”
3、 Good Lights 好灯
A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights、 I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in、 I did, and each one lit up、 "Great," she said、 I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box、 But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed、 "I don’t want this box," she said abruptly、 "It’s been opened、"一位顾客进我们的商店买圣诞灯。我给她看了我们店里最好的牌子，但还需确认一下灯泡是否正常。她让我把灯泡从盒子里拿出来，然后通上电。我照做了。每一个灯泡都是正常的。她说:“非常好。”我小心翼翼地把这串圣诞灯放回盒子里。可当我把这一盒灯泡交给她时，她吃惊地看着我，突然说：“我不要这一盒，它打开过的。”
4、 Stop the Presses让媒体闭嘴
These holiday “headlines” — concocted by the satirists at the Onion — are completely fabricated、 And yet they have the ring of truth、 Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings, Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think, Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year, Book Given as Gift Actually Read这些节日头条--由全美最优质新闻媒体The Onion的讽刺作家杜撰--完全是胡编乱造，不过听起来还真像是事实。诸如《放进圣诞袜的煤太贵了买不起》，《研究发现了红酒间的联系》，《让妈妈知道你真正在想什么》，《会计人员蜂拥时代广场庆祝新财年》，《书当圣诞礼物真有人读》。
5、 Hiding the Presents藏礼物
I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents、 Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place、 I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room、 I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered、 When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids、"早些天我就做好圣诞购物并包装好所有的礼物了。因为有两个好奇的孩子，我需要找一个适合藏礼物的隐蔽处。我想到了一个理想的`地方--炉子间。我叠好礼物，用一块毯子把它们盖起来，觉得它们肯定不会被发现。当我去拿礼物想把它们放在圣诞树下时，我掀开毯子，看到，在我准备好的礼物上面整齐地叠放着另一些礼物，上面写着“给爸爸妈妈，你们的宝贝”。
6、 Gift Exchange交换礼物
My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework、 One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____、” His response: “Receipts、”我朋友在检查她儿子的填空题家庭作业。有一行：“在圣诞节，我们和____交换礼物。”他的答案：“收据。”
7、 Limited Knowledge知识有限
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one、 "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate、 "You can’t do that," argued my four-year-old、 "Don’t worry、 Santa will never know、" He shot me a look、 "So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?"平安夜那天，在我们分发饼干时，我一不小心掉了一块到地上。“没关系。”我一边说，一边捡起来，并在放回盘子前掸掉了上面的灰。“你不能那么做。”我四岁大的孩子争论道。“别担心，圣诞老人不会知道的。”他朝我瞟了一眼。“这就是说他知道我有没有做坏事，而他不知道饼干掉在地上过？”
8、 Odd Christmas Visit奇怪的圣诞拜访
From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: "Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan、"英格兰德文郡Woolacombe海湾酒店有一篇文章：“他们的三日圣诞假期套餐包括家庭娱乐、育婴托管、美味佳肴，还有撒旦来访”。
9、 Quick Cleanup快速清扫
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up、 She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom、 Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly、 Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains、 It read "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub、"不速之客就在路上，我妈妈，一个完美的家庭主妇，正忙里忙外地整理。她分配给我爸和我哥哥的任务是打扫供客人使用的浴室。一会儿之后，当她去检查的时候，她吃惊了，曾经一度杂乱的房间瞬间就被打扫干净了。接着她看到浴帘上有一张纸条，纸条上写着：“谢谢你没往浴缸里看。”
10、 Post Holiday Blues假日里的郁闷事
A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room、 Making matters worse, she’d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party、 As a brand-new employee, I didn’t know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: "It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes、"
我们饭馆里一位女服务员的一套换洗的衣服在休息室里失窃了。更糟的是，她原本计划穿着那套去参加圣诞聚会。作为一个新员工，我并不知道这个幕后故事，因此当我发现这张充满怒气的纸条贴在社区公告栏里时，有点吃惊。纸条上写着：“圣诞聚会已经过去两个星期了，但我始终还没找回我的衣服。”
11、 Easy to Forgive轻易宽恕
Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church、 It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: "No parking、 Forgiveness is our business, but don’t make it harder than it already is、"因为研讨会迟到，现在找不到停车的地方，于是我把车停在了教堂后面。直到我从车里出来我才看到这个标志牌：“不准停车！宽恕是我们的职责，但是不要给原已糟糕的现状添堵了。”
12、 Waiting for Christmas等待圣诞节
My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time、 Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, "What time does Jesus get here?" 我妻子第一次带我们三岁大的孩子去教堂。在弥撒曲开始前我们等了很久，孩子等的不耐烦了，转向妈妈问：“耶稣什么时候来这里？”
13、 Christmas Eve Service平安夜祷告
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed、 The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary、 Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?" A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"就在我开始平安夜祷告时，教堂停电了。教堂里的接待人员和我找到一些蜡烛，把它们放在礼堂周围。然后我重返讲道坛，整理了一下笔记后，我说：“刚才我讲到哪儿了？”传来一阵不耐烦的声音：“马上就讲完了！”
1、传说圣诞夜晚，天上的星星发下二个心愿；一个是愿天下所有人平安快乐，另一个则是告诉正在看此讯息的幸运娃，圣诞节可以放假一天，不过请先请假！
2、今年圣诞节我只能形单影只地一个人度过。孤单冷清的感觉实在难受，如果圣诞老人可以把你送到我身边就好了…我是萨达姆，圣诞快乐！
3、这个迷人的圣诞，你躲在家里生蛋蛋，生了一堆恐龙蛋，还有一只小鸡蛋。猪，生蛋快乐！穿着红棉袄的圣诞老人、青翠葱笼的圣诞树、金黄色的铃铛，早早地就映入了我们的眼帘，让我们期待着圣诞节，给自己一个放松、疯狂、娱乐的理由！
4、平安夜满天星，是我求圣诞老公公给你的祝福。当每一丝星光接触到你的眼光，都将化作轻柔的情呵护你甜梦到天明！愿你度过一个快乐的圣诞节！
5、好久不见！经常会想起你，无数个圣诞节的祝福，那友谊，厚厚积累的愉快记忆，人间的亲情，天堂的温馨，终于带给了我们大家。祝你圣诞节快乐！
6、 失恋33天并不可怕，可怕的是失恋34天后，大姨妈还没有来。
7、 情人节圣诞节，骗骗情侣也就算了，光棍们已经这么可怜了，商家还要想方设法骗他们钱，真太尼玛不人道了啊！
8、 老妈是个吃货，下定决心一定要减肥，每天节食。有一天，老爸做了一桌子的美味，我和老爸吃的津津有味，老妈在旁边看的一忍再忍。最后，老爸很淡定的说，不知道你折腾啥，我又不退货。
9、 刚和老公打车回家，到家门口时才发现悲剧了，俩人身上钱合起来还差两块。仨人相对无语尴尬之际，老公弱弱地说：“师傅，我们还差两块，你往回开一点吧…”瞬间车内安静了、
10、当老人家偷偷爬出窗时，我深情地掉泪了，无数次他扛着沉重的裹出去出卖力气无数次他为了某人而花白了胡子时，多么想说声……您，老头子，圣诞快乐哦圣诞快乐哦
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
The thief and the judgeIt was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner、 "What are you charged with?" he asked、"Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant、"Thats no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?""Before the store opened," countered the prisoner、
法官与小偷那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉？”他问。“采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。“这不算犯法，”法官回答，“你购物多早？”在商店开门之前，“犯人应道。
Jesuss TellyA child on Christmas time asked for some paper and crayons in order to draw a crib、 Eventually the artistic masterpiece was displayed for parental approval、 The manager, the shepherds, Jesus and Holy Family wore duly admired、"But whats that in the corner?" asked Mother、"Oh, thats their telly," replied the tot、
耶稣的电视机圣诞节时孩子要了纸和蜡笔，想画一张耶稣诞生像。最后这件艺术品被陈列出来供父母鉴赏。他们对耶稣诞生后睡的马槽，牧羊人，耶稣及其家庭都逐一表示赞赏。“可是那个角落里是什么？”妈妈问。“噢，那是他们的电视机，”孩子回答说。
What does Santa Claus like to do in his garden?Answer: he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe
圣诞老人喜欢在花园里做什么？答案：锄地。（英文里Hoe 和ho同音。hoe是锄草之意，ho则是圣诞老人的笑声。）
On Christmas Eve Santa Claus met an honest politician and a kind lawyer while riding up in an elevator of a very exclusive hotel、 Just before the doors opened the three of them noticed a 1000NT bill lying on the floor、 Which one of them do you think picked it up?Answer: Santa of course! Why? Because everybody knows that the other two don’t exist!
圣诞节前夕，圣诞老人和一清廉的政治人物，以及一心地善良的律师在一家高级饭店一同等电梯，门还未开前，三人同时看到地上有一张新台币1000元的钞票，猜猜谁会将它捡起？答案：当然是圣诞老人啦！为什么？因为大家都知道另外两者并不存在。
In England nobody under the age of eighteen is allowed to drink in a public bar．
Mr． Thompson used to go to a bar near his house quite often，but he never took his son，Tom，because he was too young． Then when Tom had his eighteenth birthday， Mr．Thompson took him to his usual bar for the first time．They drank for half an hour， and then Mr．Thompson said to his son，“Now， Tom，I want to teach you a useful lesson．You must always be careful not to drink too much． And how do you know when you've had enough？ Well， I'll tell you．Do you see those two lights at the end of the bar？ When they seem to have become four，you've had enough and should go home．”
“But， Dad，” said Tom，“I can only see one light at the end of the bar．”
拓展阅读：圣诞节搞笑语录
1、平安夜要送我苹果，至少也是七代的。记住是七代，不是四袋。
2、头像忽然打颤，小猪肯定要看，猪蹄轻轻一按，一看成了笨诞，气的浑身冒汗，猪蹄到出乱按，小猪你真是笨诞，想要笑容灿烂，发给其他笨诞，呵呵…圣诞节了，祝你圣诞节快乐！
3、平安夜，卖苹果的总干不过卖保健的。
4、圣诞就是扯淡！好多是年青人都忘记中秋是什么时候了但是却记住了圣诞！真是蹒跚学步。
5、将笑容挂起，让快乐点缀节日的气氛；将好心情亮起，让幸福增添节日的喜悦，将短信发起，让文字送出节日的问候，圣诞节，愿你吉祥如意，幸福美满！
6、虽然圣诞要到了，但是兄弟我没什么钱，只能向圣诞老人借五百送你，给你百事可乐、百事顺心、百事大吉、百无一失、百战百胜，祝你圣诞快乐！
7、圣诞我不怕一个人过，我只怕我喜欢的人和别人。
8、每年的圣诞节都只有自己一个人傻傻的过着。
9、从未算过哪天过什么节，因为过节也是那么平淡。
10、欢快清脆的铃铛带着我的思念飞进了你的心里，飘摇欢笑的雪花带着我的微笑走进了你的'梦里，缤纷绚烂的贺卡带着我的祝福融进了你的天空，愿你圣诞节作最幸福的主角，最可爱的甜心，圣诞快乐。
11、心在飞扬，情在高昂。平安夜让我们一起，去聆听圣诞的钟声好吗？
12、比平安夜收不到苹果更心酸的事，大概就是送不出苹果了吧。
13、我的每一下心跳想你一次，直到我生命休止，心不再跳动！我爱你！圣诞快乐！
14、根据俺出色的工作经历和在世界各地用户中崇高的信誉，准备向权威机构申请“圣诞老人”为世界名牌。
15、平安夜外面都在涨价，只有商场在打折。
16、女：我是你的什么？男：你是我的Christmas啊。女：啊？原来我是圣诞节啊？!男：这样我就可以merry you了。
17、风轻轻的吹，雪静静的飘，冷冷的圣诞节，只有你能够暖和我的心，所以请不要离开我。
18、考虑俺年事已高，行动不便，圣诞节送礼工作量大，恳请世界各国同意俺将送礼之事移交年轻人承担。
19、想，时光从指间悄悄流走，看，雪花在天空慢慢飘落，念，往事温情翩翩如歌，思，每一朵焰火都是欢乐，祝，圣诞佳节喜事多多转如陀螺，笑脸永驻不褪色！
20、平安夜要送我苹果，至少也要四代的。
21、这个圣诞节没有带给我欢乐，只有莫名的忧伤。
22、圣诞节快乐，希望大家都能找到值得你marry的。
23、掐指一算，不出意料的话，平安夜没人送苹果，圣诞没人陪。
24、充分发挥互联网优势，大力推广电子圣诞礼品，以减少资源浪费。
25、这个圣诞节没有带给我欢乐，只有莫名的忧伤丶。
26、如果在平安夜和圣诞节没收到我的礼物，请不要怀疑我们的感情，我只是穷而已。
27、情人节让我一个人过，圣诞节还让我一个人过，元旦也让我一个人过，有本事考试你也让我一个人过啊。
28、没有人接收到苹果橙子的含个香橙苹果棒棒糖也平平安安心想事成。
29、平安夜，舞翩阡。雪花飘，飞满天。心与心，永相伴。
30、银色雪人红绿妆，圣诞老人送吉祥。纳才接福真热闹，欢庆炮竹喜气扬。雪花纷飞舞步漫，送来幸福和安康。皆大欢喜豪情爽，祁盼五谷丰来年。祝你圣诞节日爽，工作如意身体健。生意兴隆发大财，财源滚来富无边。
31、灵动的雪花，扑面而来；悠扬的钟声，此起彼伏；快乐的歌谣，传唱不绝；开心的舞蹈，步步精彩；温馨的灯火，幸福甜蜜；深深的祈祷，好运无限：朋友，圣诞快乐！
32、跟着平安夜的到来，向你说一声：永远平安。让这祥和的旋律，伴你渡过一生。
33、圣诞节，把袜子翻过来，里朝外，挂在床边，整个世界便都是你的礼物。
34、好吃的苹果是不需要华丽的包装。
35、圣诞老人会眷恋每个缺少爱的孩子。
36、鸡“诞”祝你家庭吉祥，鸭“诞”愿你生活美满，鹅“诞”想你事业辉煌，鸟“诞”盼你财富通天，圣诞望你快乐无边！这条短信与人分享，心情愉快身体健康，若将此信送友珍藏，日子红火近在眼前。这份圣诞好礼快快送，送得多，回报多多，惊喜多多！
37、平安夜送不起苹果六代给我的童鞋，你送六袋苹果也可以啊！
38、圣诞白叟留言：因昨晚没有袜子装礼物，只好折成现金存入你的帐户，请务必在一小时内查询八次，即可到帐！祝圣诞节快乐！
39、岁月匆匆，挡不住光阴的脚步；路途遥遥，隔不断守望的心灵，又是一个圣诞佳节，虽然天寒地冻，冷冻住对你的思念祝福。圣诞快乐！
40、圣诞节就要到了，又有一群傻蛋要告白咯！(看好戏去！)
41、可爱的圣诞老公公，我不要糖我不要巧克力，我不要新衣服，你在圣诞夜把我的爱人放在我的大袜子里吧，注意头在外边，谢谢。
42、落单的人最怕过节什么的，世界上，最不喜欢圣诞的，除了火鸡，一定还有我。
43、圣诞老人是爸爸，顺着烟囱往下爬，礼物塞满圣诞袜，平安糖果一大把，只为让我笑哈哈，爸爸爱我我爱他，在此说说心里话，愿爸爸圣诞节快乐，身体健康，永远幸福。
44、希望，圣诞老公公能在圣诞夜，把各科期末考试答案塞到我床头的袜子里。
One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"