笑话一般比较短小，喜剧性很强，普遍存在于人们的日常生活中。笑话的娱乐作用可以减轻人的心理压力，促进身体健康。
一 Can we have our teacher back？
Once a superintendent of schools was visiting a three-room school. One room was very noisy, so the man grabbed a tall boy who had been standing up talking. He took the boy into another room and stood him in the corner. Five minutes later, a smalll boy came out of the first room and said, "When can we have our teacher back?"
能让我们的'老师回去吗？
有一次，一位督学去视察一个只有三间教室的学校。一间教室非常吵闹，因此督学抓住其中一个正在站着说话的人，把他带进另一间教室，并让他站在墙角。五分钟以后，一个小男孩从第一间教室走进来，问道，“您什么时候能让我们的老师回去呢？”
Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."
父亲在哪儿？
兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。
“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”
“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”
哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”
A Half
一半
Doctor, lately I only hear half as well as I suppose to.
医生，最近我的听力只有我应该听到的一半。
I don't understand that, but let's try a small test.
我不太明白，但是让我们做个小测试。
Say after me: eighty-eight.
跟我说：88。
Forty-four.
44。
吝啬鬼的餐会
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "Youre not coming empty-handed, are you?"
一个声名狼藉的'小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？”
Clever Bobby
聪明的博比
Brown was very proud of his young son. Once he was talking to a visitor, telling the man how clever his son was.
布朗非常欣赏他的小儿子。一次他和一位客人聊他的儿子有多聪明。 布朗说：“他只有两岁，就认识所有的动物了。他长大一定会是一个出色的自然学家。来，我让你看看。”
"The boy is only two years old," he said, "and knows all animals. Hes going to be a great naturalist. Here, let me show you."
布朗说：“他只有两岁，就认识所有的动物了。他长大一定会是一个出色的。自然学家。来，我让你看看。”
He took a book of natural history from the bookshelf, placed Bobby on his knee, opened the book and showed him a picture of a giraffe(长颈鹿).
他从书架上拿下一本自然书，把博比抱到膝上，打开书。指着一张长颈鹿的画片。
"Whats that, Bobby?"
“博比，这是什么？”
"Horsey," said Bobby. Next of a tiger was shown, and Bobby said, "Pussy." Then Brown showed Bobby a picture of lion, and Bobby said, "Doggy." And when a picture of a chimpanzee was shown, Bobby said, "Daddy!"
“马马，”博比回答。 他又指了一张老虎的画片，博比回答说：“猫咪。” 然后布朗又指了一张狮子的画片，博比说：“狗狗。” 他又指了一张黑猩猩的画片，博比说：“爸爸！”
The Fish Net
Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?
A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl.
翻译：鱼网
你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？ 老师发问道。
把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。 小女孩回答道。
While the doctor was looking over the man, his wife kept fussing（烦躁，发牢骚） andjabbering（快而含糊地说） all the time. The doctor told her: "Your husband must get absolute rest and quiet." Then he left some sleeping pills.
The man's wife asked, "When do I dive them to my husband?" The doctor replied, "No, they are not for him. They are for you. You need them."
有个人生病了。他的妻子请了一位医生来给他治病。
医生在给他治疗的时候，他的妻子一直大惊小怪，神神叨叨地紧张不安。医生对她说：“你的丈夫必须绝对休息和保持安静。” 然后他就留下了一些安 眠药。
她问医生：“什么时候给我丈夫吃这些药呀！”医生回答说：“不用，这些药不是给他吃的，是给你吃的，你需要。”
The poor husband
"You cant imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
可怜的丈夫
“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的`答案是错的。”Where is the father?
确认
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"
两个猎人在森林里打猎，突然一人晕倒了。他的呼吸停止，眼神呆滞。另外一个人掏出手机，拨打911。
“我想我的`朋友死了！”他喊道，“我该怎么办？”
接线员说：“请冷静。首先，请确认他是否真的死了。”接着一阵沉寂，然后是一声枪响。回到电话中，猎人接着说：“好了，然后呢？”
Whos More Polite?
A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.
谁更有礼貌？
一个胖子和一个瘦子在争论谁更有礼貌。瘦子说他更有礼貌，因为他经常对女士摘帽示意。但是胖子认为他更有风度，因为无论什么时候他在车上给别人让座时，总有两位女士能坐下。
律师和胳膊、宝马
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
翻译： 一个律师打开他的宝马车门，突然一辆汽车驶过来把门撞飞了，警察赶到现场，律师正痛苦地抱怨毁坏了他心爱的宝马。
“警察同志，看看他们把我的车弄的！”律师哀怨地说。
“你们律师真是物质至上，我很不舒服！”警察反驳说，“你这么关心你可恶的宝马，你可能没有注意到你的左胳膊也没了。”
律师终于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的劳力士手表在哪儿？”
心不在焉的丈夫
I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination. At last he succeeded.
我陪丈夫一起出差，他带着他的'笔记本电脑。到了机场出口处时， 有位检查员要他打开包。但是包锁上了，机场工作人员耐心地等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回想起暗锁的密码。最后他终于想起来了。
“Why are you so nervous?"I asked him.
”你为什么那么紧张呢？“我问他。
"The numbers are the date of our annivorsary．my husband confessed.
“密码是我们的结婚纪念日。”他承认道”
你太晚了 You are too late 幽默笑话
I want a nightmare 想做坏梦
Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that Id passed todays exam.""Dont trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied."Then I do hope Ill fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," Tom said.
在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲：“妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦见我通过了今天的`考试。”“不要相信梦，亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。”妈妈答道。“那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的其他功课都不及格。”汤姆说。
A private didn't notice a young lieutenant and failed to salute him. The lieutenant said sternly, "You did not salute me. For this you must immediately salute one hundred times."
Just then the general came up. When he saw the poor private about to begin, he exclaimed, "What's all this?"
The lieutenant explained, "This ignoramus（无知的人） failed to salute me. I'm making his salute one hundred times as a punishment.”
"Quite right," replied the general smiling, "But do not forget, sir, that upon each occasion you are to salute return."
有个士兵没有注意到一个年轻的陆军中尉，没有向他敬礼。中尉很严厉地对那个士兵说：“你没有向我敬礼，因此你要马上敬100个礼。”
这时候将军过来了。他看到那个可怜的士兵就要开始敬礼时，就大声问道：“这是怎么啦？”
中尉解释说：“这个蠢货没有向我敬礼，我就罚他马上向我敬一百个礼。”
将军笑着说：“完全正确。不过，老弟，别忘了他向你每敬一个礼，你都要回礼的啊！”
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".
One day a man came home from work to find total chaos in the house. The kids were laying outside in the mud, still in their pajamas.
When he opened the door, he found an even bigger mess: dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table and a pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she might be ill or that something terrible had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a magazine.
She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day had gone.
He looked at her, bewildered（困惑的）， and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know, every day, you come home from work and ask me what I did today."
"Yes," was his reply.
She answered, "Well, today, I didn't do it!"
一天，一个人下班回到家，发现屋子外面一片狼籍。孩子们还穿着睡衣，满身是泥地躺在外面。
打开房门，他发现屋子里面更乱。橱柜上堆着盘子，地上散落着狗食，桌子下面有一只打碎的玻璃杯，后门旁还有一堆沙子。家庭娱乐室里堆满了玩具，还有一盏灯翻倒在地上。
他迈过散落在楼梯上的玩具，上楼去找他的妻子。他开始担心她生病了或是发生了什么可怕的事情。
他发现她还穿着睡衣躺在床上，在看一本杂志。
她抬头看到他，笑着问他今天过得怎么样。
他看着她，困惑地问：“今天发生什么事情了？”
她笑着问道：“你每天下班回家都会问我今天做什么了。”
“没错啊，”他说。
她说：“是这样的，今天，我没做什么！”
要花多少钱才能结婚
a little boy asked his father, "daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
一个小男孩问他的父亲，“爸爸，要花多少钱才能结婚呢？”
and the father replied, "i dont know, son, im still paying."
“我也不知道，我现在还在交钱。”父亲回答。
视力训练
the squad were having "visual training". one smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field. the party was so faraway that the men appeared as mere dots, but unhesitatingly the recruit replied：
班里正在进行“视力训练”。一个聪明伶俐的新兵被班长叫出来数远处旷野上采掘队的人数。采掘队在很远的。地方，那些人看起来只是一些小点儿。但是这个新兵毫不犹豫地回答。
"sixteen men and a sergeant , sir."
“十六个兵外加一个中士，长官。”
"right, but how do you know theres a sergeant there?"
“正确，可是你怎么知道那儿有一个中士？”
"hes not doing any digging, sir."
“他不干活，长官。”
Computer problem 电脑问题
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packards DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldnt solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges， and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of yellow paper?"
我在惠普公司打印机部做技术支持工作已经有一个月了，有一天我接到一位客户的电话，她的。问题我没办法解决。她的问题是：打印机不能打出来黄色，但是其它颜色都正常。这让我觉得很纳闷，因为三原色就是蓝、红、黄。我建议客户更换墨盒、删了驱动程序然后重新安装，但是都没有效果。我咨询同事们，他们也不知道该怎么办。经过两个多小时的交涉，我打算让客户把打印机寄给我们，这时候她平静地说了一句：“我是不是应该把这张黄纸扔了换一张白纸再打印试试。”